It's been a long time & so much has happened. Life has proven to still be painful & unfair if I choose to perceive it that way. It is, after all, up to me to be okay with whatever is happening. I choose to see the positive in even the most negative situations. The pain of whatever is happening is real, though. I seem to be experiencing quite a lot of it at the moment.

It's early on a warm July morning in Boulder, Colorado. I woke up crying at 4. I decided to stay up rather than attempt to sleep again. What woke me up? Thoughts * dreams. The kind that make you wonder "Why is life so unfair?". Once I woke up, I no longer asked that question. There is no entitlement to a fair life. I was born into a situation that serves the purpose for me to awaken. I am given the circumstances needed to grow in awareness.

Recently, my alcoholism reared its ugly head. I hate it when it does that. I wind up hurting those I love the most & this time was no exception. Why was I born with this addiction? Because it's what I need to spiritually grow. Okay, I get it. Now, would you please leave me be for several years, at least? I don't like hurting those I love.

About a month ago, I discovered my partner was cheating on me. Keep in mind, I hadn't been a great partner for a while before. Instead of being a man about it, he saw her on the side. He denied any wrongdoing at first and pointed the finger at me. They were only friends, he said. Sure. I will never believe those words from a man as long as I live. Never.

Ten days later, the truth came out. I was right in my suspicions, yet I was amazed at my response. I was calm & full of compassion for another suffering human being. I reached out to him and told him I loved him. I do. Yet here I sit, beside him in bed, knowing I can’t go on like this. I love him too much.

I want to be a real couple & trust him again. He says something has died for him. It hasn’t for me, but my love for him is far different from the love most people experience, including him. There was never the “in love” butterflies feeling with him. I haven’t had that since I started practicing my spirituality years ago. This love is deeper. It doesn’t disappear like the other kind does. Something in our relationship is different, but I don’t think it’s negative. It’s just changed. Change can be and is a good thing.

For now, Karin (the other woman) is out of our lives. After I emailed her several times, she told him to get lost. If you love a person, why would you give up so easily? Will it last? Doubtful. What do I do? Fight for him? Give up? I want to post her picture everywhere, along with his, and expose them as the cheaters and liars they are, but that action goes against everything in my soul. I still want to do it. He has lied, cheated & stolen from me (my trust). He has hurt me in so many ways. He sees Karin as the person who can make him feel good. Unfortunately, no one can make us happy. She might make him feel alive for a short time, like I did, but in the end, he will grow unhappy with her, too. It will be no different. I want to shake some sense into him, but I know it’s fruitless. He has to reach a level of spiritual desperation that’ll make him change. When the pain of staying the way he is becomes greater than the pain of changing, he might consider it.

We are kind of in limbo, now. He is trying to find an affordable place in the Boulder area to move into. That won’t be easy since affordable and Boulder don’t go together in the same sentence. Will he stay away from her? Do I move on? What’s next? I look at pictures of her & wonder what she has that I don’t. He says their energy is incredible. Well, in the 2 years we’ve been together, I’ve met at least 3 men I’ve had great energy with. Because of my relationship, I’ve not allowed myself to go there. Does anyone have the integrity to understand monogamy anymore? Should I give up? I am, after all, getting no younger. Being 45 is pretty intimidating in the dating world. Commitment is not something I take lightly. Is there anyone out there that takes it as seriously as I do? A long term relationship means I’m committed, not that I’m committed until something “better” comes along. Do others agree?

Where is my Karin? In the 3 days we were broken up, I put myself on a dating site. I had 60 men ask to meet me and another 15 emailed me. None of them interest me like him. Why can’t he see how special that is? And if he can see it, why doesn’t it matter to him? I guess I’m not pretty enough, or young enough, or interesting enough, or I don’t inspire him enough or I bore him. He has such a wonderful person in me. Sure, I have my flaws, but I also have my strengths. Very few women would allow their man back after cheating. I love him enough to do it. I also love him enough to let him go.

I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of the pain. I love him so much. I had NO idea I felt this strongly. How do I make him understand what he has & is giving up when he walks away?

I think he wants me in his life after it ends, but I can’t do that. I know from past experience, it’s bad news. When he walks away, it’s for good. I will never allow myself to see or speak to him again. It’s for our own good, really. The pain of loving him is too great.

There are a few concepts in my first few posts that should probably be expanded upon or defined, at the very minimum. For instance, all of my adult life, I’ve tended to believe I was a fairly giving person, nearly self-sacrificing at times. I found myself doing more for other people and concerned about them, more than anything related to me. As such, when told I had an ego, I balked. I thought egos were only in those people that were arrogant, selfish and pompous. How could I have an ego? I was convinced I did not. Well, as has proven to be the case many times, I was very wrong.

The ego is not only what we see in openly arrogant, selfish people, it is also the voice inside us that screams “What about me?!”. It causes us to think we are different, special, separate, owed something, superior, better, worse, inferior, etc.  It is the part of us that seeks an identity in outside things; never letting us stop for long in case we might notice we don’t need outside things for our real identities. The ego thrives on drama, whether it’s internal or external. It cannot be okay with what is happening right now. Only the most enlightened individuals live without the influence of their ego. The Dalai Lama is one person I’d be willing to bet has very little to no input from his ego. There are others that would argue they have little to no ego but I’m not convinced…yet. But hey, what do I know? Not a lot.

We are born without an ego, but it immediately begins to develop. An infant seeking to be fed and changed is a very primitive ego. A toddler screaming while on the floor of the toy store is an example of a developing ego. MINE!!! I must have that toy!! It’s MY toy! Ever notice how a kid will get a brand new toy and after a few minutes, maybe, they are on to the next one, always seeking more? That is their ego. In a toddler, they haven’t learned how to “tame” it yet. They throw fits and scream in public (much less in private). They grab and hoard. The words “me” and “mine” are often some of the first words they learn to speak. All of this is the influence of their ego and it is something every parent hates with a passion. Yet every parent has one too, it’s just a tiny bit more disguised and probably causes them a lot more anguish than their child’s ego does. Unless the parent discovers it randomly or experiences sufficient pain to find it through spirituality, they might never see it or do anything about it. Instead, they will live a life of drama and constant seeking that isn’t necessary.

So if you sit there saying “I don’t have an ego” or perhaps it is “I am not worthy of love or even friends so how can I have an ego? I hate myself!” know that it is your EGO giving you those thoughts! Without an ego, you would see yourself as no better or worse than any other person - despite anything and everything that has happened to you or them. There would be no wrong or right. There would be nothing to defend because you would have no position to take. You would be neutral (I often say, “I am Switzerland.” to remind myself of just that).

The ego is the “little me” that takes offense to what people say or do. The world does not owe anyone a favor but the ego will tell us that we are special, that people or even “god” should treat us better, with more respect, courtesy, fairness, etc. Really? I don’t know about you, but I wasn’t given a contract at birth that instructed me to live life being careful to do everything perfectly so as not to offend anyone else. The fact is that life happens. We go along and live it as the minutes pass. It is 100% neutral. It's the choices you make that put the neutrality into "gear", so to speak. If you decide to take offense to how someone treats you, say, while driving, then that is YOUR deal, not theirs. You are choosing to create drama (or your ego is). They are driving. They are not perfect. They don’t have to be and they don’t have to think about you at all. It is not their purpose in life. You are simply another being and no more deserving of special treatment than the next being. If you choose to get upset at their behavior, that is your EGO needing internal (and external, if you display your anger to the other driver) drama.

If you are able to see that and understand it, you are on your way to giving your ego less power; to living a life of less drama and more peace. If all you can do is get angry and begin to defend your outrageous behavior, then you are completely mind-identified. Your ego is getting stronger by the second and you have a ways to go before you can begin to be free of the ego’s grip on you. I encourage you to not give in or give up. Even someone in a strong egoic grasp can get free of it quickly. I have witnessed it first hand.

My journey started with the book The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. At first, I didn’t want to read it because it sounded too “hokey” or “New Agey”. Then, I didn’t want to listen to it because of his accent. My ego fought it every step of the way. Next, I forced myself to read it but it didn’t stick. So I read it again. I did a few of the things it suggested. I began to see a difference, so I read it yet again and that time, a lot DID stick. I moved on to A New Earth by Tolle. I got SO angry with his descriptions and their accuracy, that I THREW the book a few times. I picked it up, though, and continued reading it. Fast forward a few years and here I am, with an ego that has been “caught in the act” and has much less power than it did before. I have read A New Earth six times in those years. I will read it again.

The moral of this story is that everyone has an ego. If you can’t see yours, the likelihood is your ego is even stronger than the ego of a person that can see theirs. It is a force to be reckoned with, a possession of sorts. See it, watch it, give it no more power. The result will be peace; externally and, most importantly, internally.

A quiet mind is a good thing.

My last post was on desperation and willingness. What does that have to do with recovery? Anyone that attends a 12 step program has heard it and so I won’t go into that right now. Suffice it to say, my bottom in regards to substances was wicked….for me. It was enough desperation to kill a person, but I lived. Many other people think it was nothing. There’s a sick competition that goes on in recovery circles. It is affectionately referred to as “pride in reverse”. If anyone reading this is interested in that particular story, let me know. I’m willing to write about it.

My main goal right now is to talk about what replaced my old solution to life’s ups and downs. I no longer could act on the thought of “man, I need a drink”. What could I do instead? After reading & implementing Tolle’s work, I found that getting present and identifying ego in thought made it unnecessary for a solution. I never got to the thought of needing a drink because very little bothered me anymore. This is how I got started on my way: willingness.

Have you ever said “That’s just the way I am” or “That’s me” or “If I hadn’t been through that, I wouldn’t be the person I am today”? Just about all of us have said those or variations of those phrases. If you want to shut off the compulsive thinking and experience true piece, if you want to not only recover from your bad habits but be free from drama, you absolutely MUST be willing to drop those sayings and question them; discard them as trash.  Willingness to give up what you believe to be you or your identity is not easy. It is, however, crucial in this journey.

Most people cannot drop those ideas without sufficient pain or desperation. The ego tells them not to. It will give them every reason not to. Argument after argument will go through your head. Things such as “that’s a crazy idea”, “I can’t do that”, “too controversial”, “what if it doesn’t work?”, and other things, sometimes even outright hostility toward whomever or whatever made the suggestion in the first place. Arguing about your ability to read or listen to the teachings, the spiritual leader’s belief system, etc.  – I’ve heard it all. Every last argument is the ego encouraging you NOT to do the work. It is invested in you remaining identified with your thoughts. After all, who would it be without those ideas of who you are? It’s very scary to the ego, as well it should be. It threatens the ego’s existence and it has the ability to remove the power it has over your thoughts.  Let me tell you from experience - grasp it. Let go of everything you know about yourself. Be WILLING to try it. It will not disappoint. But you must be willing to drop all you THINK you know of yourself.

Think you are smart? Drop it. Think you are unworthy? Let it go. Think you are shy or outgoing? Lose the thought. How about believing you are a worrier and should be? Nope. That has to go. All of it. You must let go of every single idea you have about who you might be. Not only that, but you must be willing to believe, from here on out, that you have no idea who you are. Are you able to do that? It’s the only way to get healthy. If you get desperate enough, you will be ready.

Desperation. Willingness. Either you have it or you don’t.